Love Jones

{January 21, 2009}   Single & Sad

I left him…I can’t believe that I left him. He was more trouble than he was worth but at least I had someone who loved me who didn’t have to love me. I feel empty inside right now. Just really low, why is it that women let men define who they are? Why do we as women allow men to dictate our moods, our thoughts, our lives. I am soooo depressed right now and I can’t understand why ’cause I knew he was a mess and I let myself get hurt ’cause I let him in. It will get better though…I just know it and now that it’s winter it’s easier to see the change when it comes. I was talking to my friend the other day and she told me: “it sounds like your brain is telling you to leave him alone, so don’t call him after a while it will go away on its own…trust me.” Then she said: ” it’s good that we’re in winter now ’cause by Spring you won’t even remember how he looks, or his voice or any of that. Nothing will be there, pick a tree and follow its growth in this time until then and you’ll see what I mean”.

That girl never has a man but when you need some good advice she’s on point. Imma pick a tree today ya’ll…I need a tree with no leaves just the sticks left. So that I can see the changes outwardly even if I cannot feel them yet.


{January 16, 2009}   When it RAINS it pours…

“On Tuesday the Police came up to my job and arrested me.  They didn’t put the cuffs on or anything ’cause I told them that I took the gift card and used it.  I confessed. As soon as I saw the Po-Po I realised that I was done for. Over the Christmas I stole a gift card worth 200 dollars and I bought groceries with it, yes I bought food and tioletries, the cops pulled the receipt they saw me in the video-they had pictures of me…I just know I lost my job”.

My man said that me after he told me that his grade halfway through his course was an F and he was going to pull it up…can you believe this shit.

He flunking out, stealing, getting locked up all in one day…I need to be SINGLE I cannot deal with his ass  no mo…too much stress!!!

{January 16, 2009}   My resolutions for 2009

I know that I am late and 2009 has been going for at least 16 days now, but as the saying goes, “better late than never”.

I got my list and I want to do all the things on it or at least attempt to achieve them.

1. I wanna be a better cook.  I can cook, but I’m not that good. I want to be able to walk into the kitchen and wow myself. I want to make those you gonna be fat meals. The ones like my mama used to make.  This living on my own thing is hard especially when you can’t really make anything other than rice in the bag, pasta, eggs and tinned sardines and tuna.  I gotta plan to change this in 2009 I bought two cook books, not one but two. I am going to get the hang of this cookin’ thing.

2. I gotta find a new job ya’ll…2009 can’t find me doing the same ole shit.  I need something stimulating, something that makes me want to get out of bed, something that I love so much that I never lay in bed at night trying to come up with an idea to get out of work.  It’s really hard when you hate your job.  I want a job that I LOVE. I have books to show me how to write a good resume, how to answer questions in the interview and more…new job, new life here I come.

3. I want to be slim & trim with a girlie sixpack, yeah I said it.  I want that.  In fact I have wanted that for the last 5 years.  But I am so lazy that I do not get off my butt, now I’m blogging .  At this rate I will not be getting slim.  But I have a pilates book, yoga book, workout system with dvds and motivation.  this year is my year to conquer the battle of the bulge.

4. I want to learn another language.  Yes I want to be able to say “get the hell out” in another language.  I always say that but sometimes the guys I deal with do not understand me, so hopefully my being fluent in another  tongue will help them get the picture before they see the po-po pulling up on the curb.

5. I need some self-defence lessons too ya’ll.  I was at a club the other day and this guy posed up on me.  He did it in such a way that I got scared, it was like he wanted to SHAKE me.  I need to be able to go “crouching dragon, hidden tiger” on they ass.  That goin’ be my aim.

6. I need to save…I want to have like 5 or 6,000. I have stuff to do. nuff said!!!

{May 16, 2007}   Perspective

In life I think you get what you need rather than what you want. Right now what I need is guidance, and it came in the form of CiCi. We were meant to be studying yesterday, but as ALWAYS we ended up talking about totally different things all unrelated to law the whole night. But yesterday, I really needed someone to say the things that she did, I really needed an objective point of view, I really needed someone to help me put things into perspective. She and I met a couple of months ago, a random act of God, because initially we both wanted to write each other off. Thank God we didn’t because knowing her, has proven to be invaluable. She is amazing. So yesterday it all began with me failing my civil liberties essay. It didn’t take long for me to start a pity party. All it came down to was that I have been consistently failing my courses, because I haven’t been trying to pass them because I am just a bad person. I must be, because it would kill my father to know what i’ve been doing since I started university. It would kill my grandfather if I failed myself when he knows, everyone knows that i’m capable of so much better. How can I be this good at hurting myself? How can ignore the sacrifices my family has made just for me to be here? So I sat there stuffing myself with crisps, thinking over and over again that I am a failure. I am stupid. I’ll never be able to redeem myself.

When I talked it through with CiCi she reminded of something that I know but have chosen to forget (maybe i’m actually masochistic). She told me that we all have the capacity to change, just because I have been failing it does not mean anything other than that…So it does not have anything to do with my value as a person, of course I fully understand my parents’ sacrifices…Of course I fully appreciate that I am not doing this degree just for myself, I’m doing it to help others. That does not mean I can’t mistakes. I am allowed to make mistakes. At the same time I am allowed to change. And change is gradual…It takes patience, it takes time, it takes energy, it takes willingness, commitment and it takes faith. I am not the person I was yesterday because today I have made a choice to be positive, to look at my flaws, not as stains on my personhood, but as an opportunity to better myself. She helped me understand a poem I read a couple of months ago;

This life, therefore

Is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness

Not health but healing

Not being but becoming

Not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing towards it.

The process is not yet finished, but it is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not gleam in glory but all is being purified.

This life is a learning curve, and should be taken as such. Looked at this way, it’s much easier to walk away from past mistakes made better, but having left those mistakes behind. My burdens feel lighter.

{May 15, 2007}   Summer Jam…

Mmmm.. this particular song right here is..
dedicated to the black woman
And it doesn’t pertain to all black women
because some of y’all disrespect y’allself
because you don’t know who you are in the first place
This is out of common respect, for all women period
Word up, like this song, yo

Yo, I’m quite single, and occaisionally I mingle
But aside from all the rest, she sparks my interest
No, ma’am, I don’t know you
Just offering the common respect I feel I owe you
Also, some conversation, companionship, common-ground and common-sense
There’s no such thing as coincidence in, me finding you here
And I really hate screaming in your ear, so some other time, OK?
I waited a day *phone rings* Hello?
This is Carlito from a couple of days ago, you sound tired
Forgive me if I’ve called you too late
But what better time to relate mind-state? Where could I begin?
Hasn’t anyone ever told you you got beautiful skin?
You’re more than welcome, what do you desire within?
I just, wanna be, there’s no need to put titles on you and me
Those are limitations, living and learning are our only obligations
Equality, honesty, independence, intelligence, emotion and devotion
Humbly seeking to hear God when he’s speaking
At one time, my mind, just, couldn’t conceive
A woman had to dress a certain way to believe
But, in the same breath, a-llow me to say
That, if you believed young lady, you wouldn’t dress that way
And I, was attracted to your class, I couldn’t see all yo’ ass
And, I was very content, and you deserved every complement
Now, remember our indifferences make us the same
You gotta have some game, or, many of you
won’t even be able to take care of yourself, uh
And Love, when I look at you, I see my reflection
So I offer my love, affection and protection
Shawty, you dead fine, but the bottom-line is
You’re still my sister

Chorus: Cee-Lo *singing*

Well, I say you’re my, beginnin my end
You’re my sista lover and friend
God is, your light from within
It shines through your beautiful skin
What they, say bout you ain’t true
There’s no me if there is no you
I hope, that you understand
You got to respect yourself before I can

Yeah, I met you and y’all knew, saw you again on Marietta
Downtown Atlanta, checkin your long legs, got me smirkin
Fixed me dinner one night, candles lit
Kinda ahought you was slick in the beginnin
But it turned out you wouldn’t lie
Looked me in my eye, I listened
Sucked it up, pushed on, we made amends, both sides clicked
True friends, since then, years done gon by
Brought a baby girl into this world, made our parents grandfolks
Household with no hope, took care of ye, you me
When shit got put out on the curb
Closer than the skin on the back of my hand
Through the thick and thin, we can win
Beautiful black skin


No need to compete, with the music loud
or stairs cold, put on a scale, of one to ten, you a twelve
I chose, her over jail and hell
Originally from ATL

Compatible souls come together, under bad weather
to discuss distrust amongst the so-called
good in every wo-man, how I wish this was true
I deal with facts only, already done cloned me
Why I sang the blues, when there’s only one God
that watches over our every step, I need his help
when I’m walkin, lookin for the right female
I can’t tell sometimes
They tell me the devil’s comin humble in his approach
Spontaneous with the game
He caught the naive of a girl fallin for the OK
Let the pistol smoke the one you live by
Die by, examples of how relationships can be

I rolls the dice, takin a chance at crappin out
Like today boy, I lost one of my best hips
Natural thick lips, no animal fat implants
Wide load, just started workin at the airport
19 years old, worth more than her weight in gold
But it was all my fault, so don’t cry, understand
If down the line I want you back and the feelin ain’t mutual
just promise me you’ll find a new man — that’s bout some business
Hope she find what her was lookin for, like a dreamto my end
I wanted to be more than friends
Beautiful black skin (black skin)

Chorus: repeat to end

I love, love, love this song. It has so many memories attached to it, and I had to dig it out, just to be reminded that this life is not being but becoming…and every experience however inexplicable will one day make sense. I have to believe that my plans, my hopes, my dreams will all fall into place.

I’m prone to bursts of drama, this I know. The people closest to me know this, I dramatise at the slightest provocation. However certain situations can drive me to drama overkill, if that’s possible, and this is one of them…

I live in Aberdeen, I’m a first year law undergraduate. I love this city, it’s small enough to walk around everywhere, there are quaint shops and pubs, just the right amount of retail stores to nurture a healthy shopping habit, its just a really good change from the hustle and bustle of London life. I have been having a good time…you would expect that, wouldn’t you? Well No. I may love this city, but I am ever so tempted to change degrees and go back to sweltering summers, overcrowded trains, nasty streets, overzealous shoppers, pretentious fashion fiends in the hell that is London. This is all because of this ‘new-breed’ of men who seem to have invaded my tranquility and at this very moment are weakening my will to live. I call them new-breed, to avoid confrontation, and of course to be politically correct, but i’m guessing you’ll know exactly who i’m talking about.

These are the men who have made us resign to playing music in our own homes to avoid the nightclubs; which have been transformed into meat markets. These are the men who leer, grab, manhandle us and expect us to stop and listen to their tired lines. What gives you the reason, to grab me in the club, ask me where I’m going when I don’t know you from Adam?

These are the men who start conversations with us, for the simple reason that we share the same complexion, we ARE NOT the same people. And NO we do not come from your country. And NO we do not want to know if you are royalty, the son of a diplomat, or some other dignitary. Chances are your fathers are swindling hard working citizens to pay your school fees.

These are the men who boast about treating their women well, read previous blog posts to understand the madness of even attempting to be involved with the ‘new-breed.’ You then tell us we should count ourselves lucky, for you to have spoken to us in the first place… after all your kind only approaches ‘pretty girls.’ Well I know i’m pretty, nothing new there, but today you made me regret it.

These are the men who don’t understand NO. It’s really simple. No I do not want to dance, thanks. You interpret it as ‘ I really do want to dance, but i’ll say no, just so that you can harangue me alot more, because i’m just playing hard to get.’ No DUDE NO. When I say no, I mean no. You are the men, who take a NO as a put down. As a blow to your ginormous egos; then proceed to insult us, the ladies who just a minute ago you were promising the world to. The truth should never hurt, it should set you free. Accept the simple fact that NOT every woman you see would bow at your feet and promise eternal servitude. Some women are actually repelled by your arrogant, misogynistic, ignorant, overconfident personalities, and we will tell you exactly that.

These are the men that I don’t want to cross paths with AGAIN. I know this is a small city, so that’s too much to ask. But if another one of you twats tries anything on me…Rest assured I will unleash the drama.

{April 28, 2007}   Voodoo Chile

I saw you, and had to catch myself, from walking towards you, and acting a fool. Acting a damn fool. Why do I still have to see you? Every-freaking-where??? Have you got nothing to do? Other than be all around campus? Strutting around, in your timbalands and jeans? You don’t even like those jeans, you hate your timbalands. Only problem is; I like those jeans, and I have an even greater weakness for those timbalands…on you.

Got over you? I think not…Your brand of voodoo is some strong shit.

{April 23, 2007}   Back To Black

We only say goodbye with words…

I linger between bitterness and hate. When it comes to you, I have no reserve. I don’t try not to feel bad towards you, I don’t mask it with sacharrine smiles, I don’t even try to count down from 10. At least now…All I have is anger, spite, resentment, bitterness and hate. It was only a couple of months ago, when I laid my heart bare, broke down, and told you that if you left again I would die. I was not being dramatic. You left less than a week after. 

I died a hundred times…

I came to university, full of expectations. Before I met you, I was an idealist about all things. I believed the best in evryone, I’d give you the benefit of the doubt more than once, I wanted to be in love, with a man who wanted to be in love with me. You shattered every notion I had of romance, one by one. With every let down, with every broken promise, with every erection-fuelled apology, with every put down. But I took you back, so many times, that I’ve lost count.  I loved you, I did. I loved you, and each time you left, I didn’t understand why someone I was risking alot for wouldn’t even garner an ounce of affection for me. I changed alot during that time, I thought it was either you or nothing, I had to be with you or I couldn’t be with no one else. The winter of 2006, is one I’ll never forget. I found out all about depression then. I could not even wake up in the morning, my curtains remained shut, my life halted to a standstill, I forgot who I had been, all that had happened before you became irrelevant. Then you came back, missing me again, wanting me again, pretending to love me again. I fell all over again.

Kept his dick wet/With his same old safe bet…

I wanted to believe you had changed. That maybe you had realised you could not be without me, that I was enough, that my love was genuine. I thought maybe it had all been a test, and I had passed because now you were back. I was happy then, I fell back into our old routine. It was comforting to have you with me. At an event my friend Cici told me I was glowing, and I was inside, out. I forgave you, I ignored your sudden bursts of criticisms, your bluntness, ‘you may be attractive, but beautiful no’, I held on only to the contrived ‘I love you, I want to be with you’. So I did what I felt I had to, and I stayed. Then you left again.

And I tread a troubled track/ My odds are stacked…

It’s easy to pretend that it doesn’t hurt anymore. Why should it hurt when he’s the one who treated you like shit? You walked away, good for you!!! Why should you still miss a man who was arrogant, deceiving, hurtful? But I do miss you, and it hurts. It hurts far too much for me to express. This time when you came back, I was having fun, I refused to succumb to depression, I refused to sit and contemplate what I’d done wrong, I decided to just try and get over the situation. You didn’t let me. You called me out of the blue, became the caring man, the loving man, the honourable man. This time you came laden with promises of commitment. You hushed every question with a story of how long it had taken you to get the right amount of courage to try and make things right. So i was about to let you back in…Then it all came hurtling down, my friends set me straight. This time it was an intervention. You were simply not worthy.

I’ll go back to black…

I no longer recognise myself. I am hurting, every single day. I look at myself, and around my room and all I see is you. It doesn’t matter how many times I clean out my room, scrub my skin, who can cleanse my soul? The woman I am now, I never wanted to be. I go back to black.

Lyrics; Amy Winehouse- Back to Black

It is probably the 5hundreth time that I’m pushing my glasses back up tonight and all I can see is his hand doing it for me.  Now I’m pushing his glasses back up and he’s now smiling down at me.  He looks great in his glasses you know, he really did. 

I am convinced that this behaviour is counter-productive to my quest for Singleton status but chile…my internal movie in back on & I’m the star, just watch me…lying up on his bed in his t-shirt and his boxers with my multicoloured socks, watching some flick, holding hands with my man.  He’s given me his jumper ’cause I’m cold…

Here’s my love letter…Dear Mr Contentment, I miss you so much and I really want to marry a man with all of your qualities & much more. I really do you know.  Matter of fact I am putting it out there now-Universe my wish is your command I want to marry a man with all of the qualities that Mr Contentment possesses as well as ALL the characteristics that I have so specifically put down on my list, thank you in advance. HAHA!!!(that man is on the way-before I’m 30, thank ya kindly)

I think that I may have been exploiting him, taking his love ’cause I don’t, well I didn’t want to be alone…but I loved the way he would rub his nose with mine after kissing me or lean(should I say bend, dude is 6’2) & kiss my forehead everytime it was near his lips…it was so natural, girl my husband has gotta do that!!!

Here I am once again thinking…thinking about Mr Contentment!!!  Yeah he runs through my mind sometimes & I’m learning to live without him now. 

So I’m in the library tryna study and I’m thinking, you know, I used to love it when, he went out in the mornings to get croissants, juice and the paper, and I’d wake up to him opening the bedroom door.  Girl I even have flashbacks at this point of him kissing me as I’m waking from my slumber…now he’s staring at me again smiling when I wake up, I am still meant to be studying but I can’t help but think that I miss his five-day shadow.

I could’ve sooooo married that man and had those babies-I was Content…kissing him was amazing too, he was sooooo gentle.

Okay now, this reminiscent spin to my study rhythm is not productive at all, check me out dreaming wide awake, lying on my man’s chest & being enveloped in his strong arms.  I loved smelling him in my sheets & finding  strands of his long brown locs on my pillow or in the duvet. Ooooh chile, memories are a treasure!!!

Now me and God goin’ have ta discuss this ’cause I don’t understand why…Mr Contentment had everything on my list and he was so much more…why couldn’t I have been in love? 

et cetera