I left him…I can’t believe that I left him. He was more trouble than he was worth but at least I had someone who loved me who didn’t have to love me. I feel empty inside right now. Just really low, why is it that women let men define who they are? Why do we as women allow men to dictate our moods, our thoughts, our lives. I am soooo depressed right now and I can’t understand why ’cause I knew he was a mess and I let myself get hurt ’cause I let him in. It will get better though…I just know it and now that it’s winter it’s easier to see the change when it comes. I was talking to my friend the other day and she told me: “it sounds like your brain is telling you to leave him alone, so don’t call him after a while it will go away on its own…trust me.” Then she said: ” it’s good that we’re in winter now ’cause by Spring you won’t even remember how he looks, or his voice or any of that. Nothing will be there, pick a tree and follow its growth in this time until then and you’ll see what I mean”.

That girl never has a man but when you need some good advice she’s on point. Imma pick a tree today ya’ll…I need a tree with no leaves just the sticks left. So that I can see the changes outwardly even if I cannot feel them yet.

“On Tuesday the Police came up to my job and arrested me.  They didn’t put the cuffs on or anything ’cause I told them that I took the gift card and used it.  I confessed. As soon as I saw the Po-Po I realised that I was done for. Over the Christmas I stole a gift card worth 200 dollars and I bought groceries with it, yes I bought food and tioletries, the cops pulled the receipt they saw me in the video-they had pictures of me…I just know I lost my job”.

My man said that me after he told me that his grade halfway through his course was an F and he was going to pull it up…can you believe this shit.

He flunking out, stealing, getting locked up all in one day…I need to be SINGLE I cannot deal with his ass  no mo…too much stress!!!

I know that I am late and 2009 has been going for at least 16 days now, but as the saying goes, “better late than never”.

I got my list and I want to do all the things on it or at least attempt to achieve them.

1. I wanna be a better cook.  I can cook, but I’m not that good. I want to be able to walk into the kitchen and wow myself. I want to make those you gonna be fat meals. The ones like my mama used to make.  This living on my own thing is hard especially when you can’t really make anything other than rice in the bag, pasta, eggs and tinned sardines and tuna.  I gotta plan to change this in 2009 I bought two cook books, not one but two. I am going to get the hang of this cookin’ thing.

2. I gotta find a new job ya’ll…2009 can’t find me doing the same ole shit.  I need something stimulating, something that makes me want to get out of bed, something that I love so much that I never lay in bed at night trying to come up with an idea to get out of work.  It’s really hard when you hate your job.  I want a job that I LOVE. I have books to show me how to write a good resume, how to answer questions in the interview and more…new job, new life here I come.

3. I want to be slim & trim with a girlie sixpack, yeah I said it.  I want that.  In fact I have wanted that for the last 5 years.  But I am so lazy that I do not get off my butt, now I’m blogging .  At this rate I will not be getting slim.  But I have a pilates book, yoga book, workout system with dvds and motivation.  this year is my year to conquer the battle of the bulge.

4. I want to learn another language.  Yes I want to be able to say “get the hell out” in another language.  I always say that but sometimes the guys I deal with do not understand me, so hopefully my being fluent in another  tongue will help them get the picture before they see the po-po pulling up on the curb.

5. I need some self-defence lessons too ya’ll.  I was at a club the other day and this guy posed up on me.  He did it in such a way that I got scared, it was like he wanted to SHAKE me.  I need to be able to go “crouching dragon, hidden tiger” on they ass.  That goin’ be my aim.

6. I need to save…I want to have like 5 or 6,000. I have stuff to do. nuff said!!!