In life I think you get what you need rather than what you want. Right now what I need is guidance, and it came in the form of CiCi. We were meant to be studying yesterday, but as ALWAYS we ended up talking about totally different things all unrelated to law the whole night. But yesterday, I really needed someone to say the things that she did, I really needed an objective point of view, I really needed someone to help me put things into perspective. She and I met a couple of months ago, a random act of God, because initially we both wanted to write each other off. Thank God we didn’t because knowing her, has proven to be invaluable. She is amazing. So yesterday it all began with me failing my civil liberties essay. It didn’t take long for me to start a pity party. All it came down to was that I have been consistently failing my courses, because I haven’t been trying to pass them because I am just a bad person. I must be, because it would kill my father to know what i’ve been doing since I started university. It would kill my grandfather if I failed myself when he knows, everyone knows that i’m capable of so much better. How can I be this good at hurting myself? How can ignore the sacrifices my family has made just for me to be here? So I sat there stuffing myself with crisps, thinking over and over again that I am a failure. I am stupid. I’ll never be able to redeem myself.

When I talked it through with CiCi she reminded of something that I know but have chosen to forget (maybe i’m actually masochistic). She told me that we all have the capacity to change, just because I have been failing it does not mean anything other than that…So it does not have anything to do with my value as a person, of course I fully understand my parents’ sacrifices…Of course I fully appreciate that I am not doing this degree just for myself, I’m doing it to help others. That does not mean I can’t mistakes. I am allowed to make mistakes. At the same time I am allowed to change. And change is gradual…It takes patience, it takes time, it takes energy, it takes willingness, commitment and it takes faith. I am not the person I was yesterday because today I have made a choice to be positive, to look at my flaws, not as stains on my personhood, but as an opportunity to better myself. She helped me understand a poem I read a couple of months ago;

This life, therefore

Is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness

Not health but healing

Not being but becoming

Not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing towards it.

The process is not yet finished, but it is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not gleam in glory but all is being purified.

This life is a learning curve, and should be taken as such. Looked at this way, it’s much easier to walk away from past mistakes made better, but having left those mistakes behind. My burdens feel lighter.