In life I think you get what you need rather than what you want. Right now what I need is guidance, and it came in the form of CiCi. We were meant to be studying yesterday, but as ALWAYS we ended up talking about totally different things all unrelated to law the whole night. But yesterday, I really needed someone to say the things that she did, I really needed an objective point of view, I really needed someone to help me put things into perspective. She and I met a couple of months ago, a random act of God, because initially we both wanted to write each other off. Thank God we didn’t because knowing her, has proven to be invaluable. She is amazing. So yesterday it all began with me failing my civil liberties essay. It didn’t take long for me to start a pity party. All it came down to was that I have been consistently failing my courses, because I haven’t been trying to pass them because I am just a bad person. I must be, because it would kill my father to know what i’ve been doing since I started university. It would kill my grandfather if I failed myself when he knows, everyone knows that i’m capable of so much better. How can I be this good at hurting myself? How can ignore the sacrifices my family has made just for me to be here? So I sat there stuffing myself with crisps, thinking over and over again that I am a failure. I am stupid. I’ll never be able to redeem myself.

When I talked it through with CiCi she reminded of something that I know but have chosen to forget (maybe i’m actually masochistic). She told me that we all have the capacity to change, just because I have been failing it does not mean anything other than that…So it does not have anything to do with my value as a person, of course I fully understand my parents’ sacrifices…Of course I fully appreciate that I am not doing this degree just for myself, I’m doing it to help others. That does not mean I can’t mistakes. I am allowed to make mistakes. At the same time I am allowed to change. And change is gradual…It takes patience, it takes time, it takes energy, it takes willingness, commitment and it takes faith. I am not the person I was yesterday because today I have made a choice to be positive, to look at my flaws, not as stains on my personhood, but as an opportunity to better myself. She helped me understand a poem I read a couple of months ago;

This life, therefore

Is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness

Not health but healing

Not being but becoming

Not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing towards it.

The process is not yet finished, but it is going on.

This is not the end but it is the road.

All does not gleam in glory but all is being purified.

This life is a learning curve, and should be taken as such. Looked at this way, it’s much easier to walk away from past mistakes made better, but having left those mistakes behind. My burdens feel lighter.

[Cee-Lo]
Mmmm.. this particular song right here is..
dedicated to the black woman
And it doesn’t pertain to all black women
because some of y’all disrespect y’allself
because you don’t know who you are in the first place
This is out of common respect, for all women period
Word up, like this song, yo

Yo, I’m quite single, and occaisionally I mingle
But aside from all the rest, she sparks my interest
No, ma’am, I don’t know you
Just offering the common respect I feel I owe you
Also, some conversation, companionship, common-ground and common-sense
There’s no such thing as coincidence in, me finding you here
And I really hate screaming in your ear, so some other time, OK?
I waited a day *phone rings* Hello?
This is Carlito from a couple of days ago, you sound tired
Forgive me if I’ve called you too late
But what better time to relate mind-state? Where could I begin?
Hasn’t anyone ever told you you got beautiful skin?
You’re more than welcome, what do you desire within?
I just, wanna be, there’s no need to put titles on you and me
Those are limitations, living and learning are our only obligations
Equality, honesty, independence, intelligence, emotion and devotion
Humbly seeking to hear God when he’s speaking
At one time, my mind, just, couldn’t conceive
A woman had to dress a certain way to believe
But, in the same breath, a-llow me to say
That, if you believed young lady, you wouldn’t dress that way
And I, was attracted to your class, I couldn’t see all yo’ ass
And, I was very content, and you deserved every complement
Now, remember our indifferences make us the same
You gotta have some game, or, many of you
won’t even be able to take care of yourself, uh
And Love, when I look at you, I see my reflection
So I offer my love, affection and protection
Shawty, you dead fine, but the bottom-line is
You’re still my sister

Chorus: Cee-Lo *singing*

Well, I say you’re my, beginnin my end
You’re my sista lover and friend
God is, your light from within
It shines through your beautiful skin
What they, say bout you ain’t true
There’s no me if there is no you
I hope, that you understand
You got to respect yourself before I can

[Gipp]
Yeah, I met you and y’all knew, saw you again on Marietta
Downtown Atlanta, checkin your long legs, got me smirkin
Fixed me dinner one night, candles lit
Kinda ahought you was slick in the beginnin
But it turned out you wouldn’t lie
Looked me in my eye, I listened
Sucked it up, pushed on, we made amends, both sides clicked
True friends, since then, years done gon by
Brought a baby girl into this world, made our parents grandfolks
Household with no hope, took care of ye, you me
When shit got put out on the curb
Closer than the skin on the back of my hand
Through the thick and thin, we can win
Beautiful black skin

Chorus

[Khujo]
No need to compete, with the music loud
or stairs cold, put on a scale, of one to ten, you a twelve
I chose, her over jail and hell
Originally from ATL

[T-Mo]
Compatible souls come together, under bad weather
to discuss distrust amongst the so-called
good in every wo-man, how I wish this was true
I deal with facts only, already done cloned me
Why I sang the blues, when there’s only one God
that watches over our every step, I need his help
when I’m walkin, lookin for the right female
I can’t tell sometimes
They tell me the devil’s comin humble in his approach
Spontaneous with the game
He caught the naive of a girl fallin for the OK
Let the pistol smoke the one you live by
Die by, examples of how relationships can be

[Khujo]
I rolls the dice, takin a chance at crappin out
Like today boy, I lost one of my best hips
Natural thick lips, no animal fat implants
Wide load, just started workin at the airport
19 years old, worth more than her weight in gold
But it was all my fault, so don’t cry, understand
If down the line I want you back and the feelin ain’t mutual
just promise me you’ll find a new man — that’s bout some business
Hope she find what her was lookin for, like a dreamto my end
I wanted to be more than friends
Beautiful black skin (black skin)

Chorus: repeat to end

I love, love, love this song. It has so many memories attached to it, and I had to dig it out, just to be reminded that this life is not being but becoming…and every experience however inexplicable will one day make sense. I have to believe that my plans, my hopes, my dreams will all fall into place.

I’m prone to bursts of drama, this I know. The people closest to me know this, I dramatise at the slightest provocation. However certain situations can drive me to drama overkill, if that’s possible, and this is one of them…

I live in Aberdeen, I’m a first year law undergraduate. I love this city, it’s small enough to walk around everywhere, there are quaint shops and pubs, just the right amount of retail stores to nurture a healthy shopping habit, its just a really good change from the hustle and bustle of London life. I have been having a good time…you would expect that, wouldn’t you? Well No. I may love this city, but I am ever so tempted to change degrees and go back to sweltering summers, overcrowded trains, nasty streets, overzealous shoppers, pretentious fashion fiends in the hell that is London. This is all because of this ‘new-breed’ of men who seem to have invaded my tranquility and at this very moment are weakening my will to live. I call them new-breed, to avoid confrontation, and of course to be politically correct, but i’m guessing you’ll know exactly who i’m talking about.

These are the men who have made us resign to playing music in our own homes to avoid the nightclubs; which have been transformed into meat markets. These are the men who leer, grab, manhandle us and expect us to stop and listen to their tired lines. What gives you the reason, to grab me in the club, ask me where I’m going when I don’t know you from Adam?

These are the men who start conversations with us, for the simple reason that we share the same complexion, we ARE NOT the same people. And NO we do not come from your country. And NO we do not want to know if you are royalty, the son of a diplomat, or some other dignitary. Chances are your fathers are swindling hard working citizens to pay your school fees.

These are the men who boast about treating their women well, read previous blog posts to understand the madness of even attempting to be involved with the ‘new-breed.’ You then tell us we should count ourselves lucky, for you to have spoken to us in the first place… after all your kind only approaches ‘pretty girls.’ Well I know i’m pretty, nothing new there, but today you made me regret it.

These are the men who don’t understand NO. It’s really simple. No I do not want to dance, thanks. You interpret it as ‘ I really do want to dance, but i’ll say no, just so that you can harangue me alot more, because i’m just playing hard to get.’ No DUDE NO. When I say no, I mean no. You are the men, who take a NO as a put down. As a blow to your ginormous egos; then proceed to insult us, the ladies who just a minute ago you were promising the world to. The truth should never hurt, it should set you free. Accept the simple fact that NOT every woman you see would bow at your feet and promise eternal servitude. Some women are actually repelled by your arrogant, misogynistic, ignorant, overconfident personalities, and we will tell you exactly that.

These are the men that I don’t want to cross paths with AGAIN. I know this is a small city, so that’s too much to ask. But if another one of you twats tries anything on me…Rest assured I will unleash the drama.