We only say goodbye with words…

I linger between bitterness and hate. When it comes to you, I have no reserve. I don’t try not to feel bad towards you, I don’t mask it with sacharrine smiles, I don’t even try to count down from 10. At least now…All I have is anger, spite, resentment, bitterness and hate. It was only a couple of months ago, when I laid my heart bare, broke down, and told you that if you left again I would die. I was not being dramatic. You left less than a week after. 

I died a hundred times…

I came to university, full of expectations. Before I met you, I was an idealist about all things. I believed the best in evryone, I’d give you the benefit of the doubt more than once, I wanted to be in love, with a man who wanted to be in love with me. You shattered every notion I had of romance, one by one. With every let down, with every broken promise, with every erection-fuelled apology, with every put down. But I took you back, so many times, that I’ve lost count.  I loved you, I did. I loved you, and each time you left, I didn’t understand why someone I was risking alot for wouldn’t even garner an ounce of affection for me. I changed alot during that time, I thought it was either you or nothing, I had to be with you or I couldn’t be with no one else. The winter of 2006, is one I’ll never forget. I found out all about depression then. I could not even wake up in the morning, my curtains remained shut, my life halted to a standstill, I forgot who I had been, all that had happened before you became irrelevant. Then you came back, missing me again, wanting me again, pretending to love me again. I fell all over again.

Kept his dick wet/With his same old safe bet…

I wanted to believe you had changed. That maybe you had realised you could not be without me, that I was enough, that my love was genuine. I thought maybe it had all been a test, and I had passed because now you were back. I was happy then, I fell back into our old routine. It was comforting to have you with me. At an event my friend Cici told me I was glowing, and I was inside, out. I forgave you, I ignored your sudden bursts of criticisms, your bluntness, ‘you may be attractive, but beautiful no’, I held on only to the contrived ‘I love you, I want to be with you’. So I did what I felt I had to, and I stayed. Then you left again.

And I tread a troubled track/ My odds are stacked…

It’s easy to pretend that it doesn’t hurt anymore. Why should it hurt when he’s the one who treated you like shit? You walked away, good for you!!! Why should you still miss a man who was arrogant, deceiving, hurtful? But I do miss you, and it hurts. It hurts far too much for me to express. This time when you came back, I was having fun, I refused to succumb to depression, I refused to sit and contemplate what I’d done wrong, I decided to just try and get over the situation. You didn’t let me. You called me out of the blue, became the caring man, the loving man, the honourable man. This time you came laden with promises of commitment. You hushed every question with a story of how long it had taken you to get the right amount of courage to try and make things right. So i was about to let you back in…Then it all came hurtling down, my friends set me straight. This time it was an intervention. You were simply not worthy.

I’ll go back to black…

I no longer recognise myself. I am hurting, every single day. I look at myself, and around my room and all I see is you. It doesn’t matter how many times I clean out my room, scrub my skin, who can cleanse my soul? The woman I am now, I never wanted to be. I go back to black.

Lyrics; Amy Winehouse- Back to Black